The struggle is real

This is a two part answer. 

First and foremost, missing all 4 of my grandparents this time of year is a real downer. We had so many traditions with them when we were younger, and the last memories we have all together are over a decade old. I miss them every day, but this time of year especially. The commercials with kids and their grandparents make me smile, but also make my heart cry a little bit. What I wouldn't give to go back and spend time with them all over again.  

Grief is a tricky thing. You never really "get over" the loss of your loved ones, but you do learn (over time) how to navigate the world without them. When we are triggered in grief, it isn't always tears that show our sadness. Anger, disassociation, and agitation are also emotions we can experience when grief strikes. 

This time of year is so hard for so many people who are grieving. Grief has no timeline, and goes on forever if you ask me. Just because it isn't raw anymore does not mean that it doesn't affect those around us. A lot of times, grief manifests itself as depression, physical pain, or irritability if left undiscussed. There is nothing wrong with seeking help - even if its from a friend or family member. Just as in the last post - listening can change the world for one person. Allowing them to speak about their grief and the person (or pet) they are grieving keeps the memory alive, but also allows for release. 

I started going to therapy 3 years ago for a handful of things, and grief was at the top of the list. We had just lost 3 family members in 6 months, followed closely by a very close friend of mine dying suddenly. I was in a tough spot, and decided to seek help. I had a hard time coming to terms with it, because I always thought I was going to be judged for going to therapy. BOY was I wrong! Also, it's no one's business what you do to feel better, so take that ideal and flush it down the toilet. Immediately. Having an objective third party who had no connection to me whatsoever listen to my grief and help me navigate it allowed me to sleep better, be a little happier every day, and not feel so stiff and sore anymore. My grief was starting to manifest in physical ways, even though I was (at the time) working out all the time. Best choice I ever made. BUT it does not take away from the fact that I still miss my grandparents, and hate that they won't physically be here for my wedding someday. Or meet Mike - or hear about my new apartment. 

I will tell you that they are certainly alive in my heart - always. And that's where they will stay. Forever.

I also struggle with my weight this time of year. This has been a life long battle that I fight daily. I have a certain way I want to look, especially this time of year with cute holiday outfits and sweaters and such. I am overcoming an obsession with food (I still slip!), and instead of focusing on the calories, how I feel when I eat it. Junk food obviously doesn't make me feel great, but once in a while I can eat it. 

Growing up, this time of year was always the time I got to wear my twirly dress that Nana got me, and I got to feel pretty. As an adult, I don't necessarily need a twirly dress but I do like to feel pretty. I struggle with what my pant/shirt/dress size is, because I am unhappy with myself. Therefore, I don't always feel pretty. 

I was a part of the toxic diet culture for a long time. I was actually asked once if I was using my supplements correctly - because I had put on weight. If I didn't look a certain way, how would ANYONE want to join me on this journey? (a legitimate question I was asked...) So, my issues with food and weight are always at the forefront of my mind. 

I don't share this for pity or compliments. I share this because it's my reality, and am okay with being honest and open with the world. It's no secret how I feel about myself, and while I am working on accepting where I am now, I do have a concrete plan going into next year. I will make sacrifices now so I can enjoy them down the road. I have overcome my weight issue before, and will do it again. Except this time, I am doing it the right way. I will not obsess over every calorie, I will not correlate a meal with how long I have to work out for. I will not starve myself - I will enjoy my food. 

Life is far too short to not enjoy it - but there are days I don't love how I look or feel. Depriving myself and making a big deal about it won't get me anywhere - so I may as well celebrate the small wins as they come and this time next year, I bet I will be a little more comfortable in my skin.