Day 16 - What Is Something You Wished For Years Ago That You Have Today?

 

Strength.

I'm not talking muscle strength because I love to lift weights. I'm talking mental and emotional strength. 

Growing up, I was always the kid who tried to make everyone feel better, who was always willing to do whatever was needed at a moment's notice. I was always trying to make sure everyone else was all set, and felt immense guilt when it came to taking care of myself. I neglected myself for a LONG time, because I wanted everyone to like me so I needed to do whatever they wanted. 

When I was struggling through college and my 20s, all I ever wished for was strength to get through whatever new issue came up. Did I fall apart? All the time. But falling apart does not mean you're not a strong person. I cry so often now, and saw it as a flaw. But after some digging - it's just how I express my emotions. Nothing wrong there! 

Please remember this. How you respond to a situation and learn from/grow from/heal from a problem/situation is how you become stronger. 

I put on a brave face for most of my 20s through the last few years. At the beginning of last year, I realized that I was draining my energy and not taking care of myself. Having the strength to walk away from a decade long friendship that made me feel like I was insane was a HUGE step for me. Deciding to not respond to them lashing out at me because I made a JOKE was when I knew I was strong.

Sure, I was strong before that event. But I HAD to be strong. Between events as a child that upended life, to working through dishonesty and betrayal as an adult, I had no choice but to be strong. Except -  that strong wasn't vibranium strong. It was cardboard box strong. One blow and it was over. I told myself I was okay, but I felt crazy guilty. 

Taking the steps to get myself into therapy 3 years ago was the best thing I could have done for myself. Unraveling a lifetime of trauma, depression, grief.. heavy. But it helped me see a pattern in my behavior when it came to handling things. And I knew it needed to stop.

Between journaling, late night sob fests, and actively becoming more and more self aware of my behaviors and feelings - I started to stand strong. I started to FEEL strong. I started to see myself change into who I am now.

Do things still rattle me? Yes. Do I still struggle? Daily. 

But the person I am now takes BS from absolutely NO ONE. The energy I get from people tells me everything I need to know, and I feel zero guilt around making decisions based on that. I feel no guilt for living my life for ME. I don't look to everyone else for advice anymore. I start with me. I live life for me, no one gets to dictate when or how I do it. Living unapologetically has become my favorite thing. Embracing who I am and not worrying about whether or not people like me is a huge improvement.

I have a lot to take on starting December 13th. I know some of my ideas won't be liked or understood, and I hope that there are conversations WITH me rather than ABOUT me to understand why the choices were made. We'll see how that rolls... haha! 

Strength is a beautiful thing. Seeking acceptance from within rather than outwardly makes a world of difference. Trust me. 

What is something you've wished for that you have now?