The Online Dating Chronicles - Part 1

 

As I mentioned on my Instagram story a few weeks back - I am doing a series of posts talking about my online dating experiences. Buckle in - this is going to get funny, weird, and everything in between! 

For this first installment, let's look at how 2020 started! 

**DISCLAIMER: This is in no way to bash the person he is, nor is it an attempt to hurt his reputation. It IS, however, a retelling of one of the weirdest times of the year before COVID-19 decided to take over).

I have been very open about my online dating adventures - this is no different. In fact, I think this takes the cake for a serious WTF situation. Buckle in folks... this is a real trip! 




I am a self proclaimed true crime junkie. I will watch any and all documentaries, Dateline on NBC is one of my guilt pleasures, and I will read true crime books until my eyes cross. I am intrigued by how the brain works, the reasoning behind why things happen, and what drives people to such extremes. 

This is also true when it comes to online dating. 

In late January, I started dating someone. On paper (and what could be found on social media thanks to my college roommate who should REALLY work for the FBI), he seemed to be everything I had hoped for. Good job, own apartment, similar taste in tv/movies, sense of humor, family oriented. I thought - oh snap, this might be something! 

Texting commenced, everything seemed normal. He was sweet, understood my sarcasm without having ever met me. He thought I was funny (I mean I am, but let's be real.. some people don't know what humor is!), and told me that he could see a future with me. While this all seems sweet - it was only a week into texting. We hadn't even met yet! 

I brushed it off as normal - that I was in my head, overthinking like I do everything else. When I told my friends about him - they were over the moon excited. Their hope matched mine - what if this was something that stuck. Something I have been looking for. Something good for me. 

WOOO was I way off. Holy sh*t.

So we went on our first date about a week or so after chatting. He picked the restaurant (one close to me), made a reservation. I was shocked. I hadn't had anyone do that for me... ever. What a gentleman! 

Dinner went really well, all things considered. We ultimately stayed until they closed, conversation never wavering. He walked me to my car, and made plans for a second date when it best fit my schedule. I thought - how respectful! We proceeded to stay in constant contact until our second date, 10 days later. I tried to chalk his constant need for attention as excitement and nervousness all wrapped into one. Hell, I was excited! 

We met for our second date, and that's when I knew something was off. If you know me at all, you know that the movie theater is a sacred ground for me. I worked at a movie theater for 6 years. It's one of my happy places. DO NOT SPEAK DURING THE TRAILERS. And if you absolutely have to, please whisper. Also, if you wanted to talk to me, maybe going to the movies wasn't the best second date choice. But we live and we learn.

Upon leaving the second date, I called my dad. I spilled the beans (Mom already knew he existed) and when my dad asked how I felt about it - I told him I was seeing where it went, but wasn't holding out a ton of hope. I think saying it all out loud to my dad (what had happened up until that point) made me realize things weren't as "perfect" as they seemed. 

I agreed to a third date. I thought maybe I was in my head. Maybe I was just nervous to be happy (yes, that is a real fear I have). When my friends asked me if I was looking forward to my date, I would smile and say that I was.. that I couldn't wait! Because I thought that's what they wanted to hear, and I didn't feel like getting a lecture about how I am terrified to be happy and let someone in. Not where I felt like being. 

But was I being weird about it? 

I noticed that he often mocked my independence and my need to be in control of my life. (Hello red flags that I ignored!) When it came time for our third date, the week leading up to it had a lot of emotions attached to it (for me). I agreed to let him pick me up, only after discussing on both our first and second dates that I was a very independent person who has no problem getting herself where she needs to go. I am not looking for someone to take care of me - I am very capable of taking care of myself. I am looking for a partner, someone to live life side by side with. But this didn't make sense to him. So two days before our third date, we were discussing logistics. I asked if he wanted to meet here (my apartment) and I would drive, or if he just wanted to meet there. He sends me a text "I know you're *super* independent, but I'll pick you up." That wasn't an option that I listed, but sure. 

Day of the date rolls around (we were going to a brewery tour in Merrimack, NH), and to say I wasn't as excited as I should have been is the understatement of the year. I dragged my feet getting ready that morning. I even looked at my roommate and asked if I was crazy for not wanting to go. She told me no, that she supported me, and that she would come rescue me if I needed her to (y'all, I am so blessed to have the roommate I have!). I got a text from him that said he had a surprise for me and would see me soon - insert vomit feeling here. I am a big fan of being early - but within reason. He was more than 20 minutes early... ick. 

I went out to the truck and he handed me a dozen red roses. A DOZEN RED ROSES. I cannot handle the feelings that came with this handoff. I brought them back in the house and all I said to my roommate was, "we will discuss this later." and left to get in the truck. I think I may have asked her to pray for my safety - but honestly can't remember. 

Well, I am clearly alive to tell the tale of this day. But that's not to say I wasn't totally terrified. As someone who loves to drive, I make sure that I am respectful of having someone else in the car with me. This was not the case here. I was horrified at 1. how fast he drove. and 2. HOW he drove. In a pickup truck, in traffic. It took almost an hour to get to the brewery, and then we had to wait to start the tour. While on the tour, there were a few attempts at hand holding (what are we, in high school?). One of the final attempts was successful - and when I say death grip... think Thanos holding on to the gauntlet in Infinity War (if you don't get that reference, it's on Disney +.. highly recommend). We finished the tour and headed back to the truck. For the ENTIRE ride back to my place, I had no control of my left hand. He was holding it so hard I couldn't do anything with it. Oh, and driving like a wild animal, so insert terrified feelings again.

When he dropped me off back at my apartment, I was so excited to be back in control of my environment (what goes on around me.. not the physical environment.. I am not that much of an a-hole). I went to get out of the truck and said "text me when you get home please!" because that's what I say to everyone. As I was turning to get out of the truck, he quickly moved to kiss me. I was less than impressed, but hey, at least he took a chance. It wasn't what I was expecting, and not something I enjoyed, honestly. 

I knew something was off.. I just couldn't pinpoint what

I came into the house and recounted everything that had happened to my roommate. It was only when I was recounting it that I realized I wholeheartedly just didn't want to be around this guy anymore. He did say a few things that caught me off guard when we were driving (I was praying so hard I made it home safe..). For one, he told me that he had been seeing a girl around Christmas time, and she broke it off late January. Uh, the DAY BEFORE WE STARTED TALKING. Ick. After I finished telling her what happened, he texted me the following:

"Hello my love! I am home safe! Today was amazing. 💖"

Red flag number... I lost count. We had been on 3 dates, hadn't even so much as discussed being together exclusively. Hello my love?! That was the final straw. I was checking out of this mess ASAP. I responded with something less than excited but not totally rude, and went about the rest of my day. 

The next day he texted me and was giving me a play by play of his day. While I understand that he was excited, he was NOTORIOUS for texting me until I responded - and I just couldn't handle it. I had taken a nap (it was a Sunday), and woke up to 5 texts from him. One that caught me off guard pretty abruptly was one that said something along the lines of "so I just ordered shampoo..." and I froze. I had nothing readily available on my profiles (at the time of this occurrence) that linked to my shampoo site - the link was buried in my profile. So I responded with "oh?" - and was completely annoyed by the response I got.

"Yeah, figured you could use a couple bucks."

I'm sorry... WHAT?! 

Uh - what? That is NOT what you tell someone - ever. I don't care who they are, I don't care what they do.. thats just rude. Especially if it's someone you're trying to date. He proceeded to blow up my messages with more nonsense, and ask me about things in my life - but on a very specific level. I jokingly asked if he had creeped my socials - to which he admitted he had gone down a pretty deep dive. 

I appreciate the honesty, but let's discuss. What I put on social media is what I choose to share - it's not the complete picture. Taken out of context - there are plenty of assumptions that can be made. Thinking you know someone based on their social media presence is horse shit - sorry but it's true. I was so weirded out - who has the time to go digging that far, and actually comment on it?! I needed to get out - but figured I would give him one more chance, after I voiced my feelings. 

After laying out exactly how I was feeling (I am HUGE on communication... it shouldn't come as any sort of surprise), I heard his side of things. He told me he was really excited, that he was looking forward to a future together. To which I responded that it was sweet, but I never said anything about a future - so where was that coming from? "On our first date, you said you wanted kids." Yeah - but I never said WITH YOU. So how that got misinterpreted, I will never know. So we agreed to slow things down (and by we I mean him), and see where it goes. 

By Wednesday that week, I was ready to scream. In three days he had managed to piss me off more than he had in the previous three weeks. I told him I was busy with work (which was true! I was taking on more at work and needed to focus), to which he responded he was fine with (don't remember asking for input but sure) but he was bored. Not my problem dude! He would message me houses on Facebook, tag me in the most ridiculous posts on socials.. just not my speed. 

I didn't talk to him at all the following day - I needed space (as I had mentioned numerous times leading up to this point in time). By Friday morning, I had made up my mind. I wrote it all out, had my roommate and one of my besties read it to make sure I was letting him down easy. I sent it after the work day was over and waited on a response. He did appear to feel bad for his actions, but nothing was changing so I needed to end it. 

Ironically, I was blocked on every possible option as soon as he responded, so it was kind of him to remove me from his life without me having to do it. That made things a bit easier! 

Life Lesson:

The life lesson I gained from this experience was this - open communication is essential. Mutual understanding is EXTREMELY important. Constant conversations and check ins - mandatory. If someone doesn't understand, or has their own ideas, make sure to communicate! 

Also, maybe make sure you address the red flags (and by address, I mean leave) and allow healing. Don't be in a rush to force something because you're lonely. Know who you are alone before you add another layer to your life (I've been living by this for about 6 years and it's been a game changer!).