She's BAAAAACCCKKKK

Sometimes in life, you just need to take a step back and reset. Disconnect from the world and get yourself back to a good space, mentally and emotionally. The last week and a half has been just that for me -  a reset and reflect chapter in my story. 

I have touched upon this before in previous posts, but anxiety and depression are a part of who I am now. I do not like either of them, and try my best to push through those rough days when all the thoughts take over. In an effort to share my experience, I decided to do a little bit of an experiment surrounding possible triggers - and let me just say I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS MONTHS AGO! 

When I told my close friends and family that I was planning to shut down my social media accounts for a weekish, not ONE person in that group questioned my decision. This, in turn, helped me make the decision to just shut them down. They all supported my reasons (more to come), and applauded me for making the choice. It's hard to cut social media cold turkey - it's a way of life now. It's how people stay updated on the goings on of others lives. It should be a place of support, positivity, and updates. Instead, it's turned into a political forum, a place to post passive aggressive pictures or quotes and start drama, a place where everyone airs their opinions and no one respects them. I needed a serious reset. 

Deactivating my accounts (Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram) was an eye opening experience for me. For starters, I found myself getting out of bed and starting my day.. not laying in bed for a half hour scrolling everything to see what happened overnight. I got up and got ready, had plenty of time to relax first thing in the morning, and overall felt good about the day ahead. I wasn't laying in bed comparing my life to others, or feeling like I have to worry about what I say on social media. I was free. 

Secondly, I reconnected with so many friends I don't necessarily see or talk to. I was texting more, but also found myself picking up the phone and calling them. Which, by today's standards, is so foreign it feels wrong. There was plenty of conversation to be had, because we didn't read about each other's lives on any platform. In a society that is so focused on instant gratification, it was so amazing to just roll with the punches. I didn't need to know the latest and greatest immediately. I didn't need to know who unfollowed who on Instagram or who started drama on Twitter. I needed to know that I was okay and that the world still rolls on even if you're not on social media. (Spoiler alert: life is better off the internet)

I found myself setting my phone down more. I had nothing to scroll, why did I need to have it in my hand? Yes, I mentioned that I had more texting with friends, but I also had some time away from my phone. I enjoyed quiet time, I read books, I watched movies with undivided attention. I worked on material for this blog, I planned meals for the week - I didn't care about what everyone was doing. 

Before I started this little experiment, I was cleaning out my follow list on both Instagram and Twitter. I stopped scrolling Snapchat stories about 3 months ago - if it isn't sent to me directly, I don't bother going out of my way anymore. Unless someone asks me if I saw their story, I just don't waste my energy. Now that everything is back to active, I will continue to clean up the list of people that I interact with. If their presence has been lacking in my life for 6 or more months, I may consider removing them. If they have been dormant for longer than that in life, my plan of attack is to reach out and strike up conversations! If they can't be bothered to respond, then they will no longer see what I post. Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity and drama. 

I found myself, on day 3, wondering what was happening in the world of celebrities and my favorite country artists. I almost considered turning everything back on because I couldn't stand it. But, after 13 days off Twitter and Instagram, and 10 days off Facebook, I am glad I stuck it out. We are now programmed to get the latest and greatest, instantly, at our fingertips. Give yourself a break - step back from having to know it all in that instant, and just ENJOY your life! 

I spent more time out with friends than I have in months. I felt better about myself and the direction my life was taking - and am at peace with the decisions I have made over the last 14 days. I took some time to journal, and get in touch with what I want out of life. Where I want to be in a month, 3 months, a year, and 5 years. I put so much effort into figuring out what my triggers were for anxiety, what made me slip back into depression, and how I can start to combat these on my own (a therapist is still in the life plan, just exhausting all options before I get the help). 

I was able to enjoy everything going on around me. I was more aware of my surroundings, both out in society and at home. I would be so happy if I could cut social media forever. I was finding that friends making plans or sharing that they were spending time together would make me insanely insecure and jealous. Why wasn't I invited? It doesn't matter. We take everything so personal now, rather than accepting that our friends have other friends. I have ended friendships over it - and I know people have backed away from me too because of it. If you have a problem with someone your friends hang with, check on yourself first and make sure it's not a jealousy issue, that there's actually something you're not a fan of, and then evaluate. Don't write someone off due to jealousy. You'll live to regret it. 

It's funny - I didn't make any grand announcement that I was planning to disappear, I only told a handful of people. I didn't tell everyone because I didn't need the 20 questions, or the backhanded comments about it. I needed the space - and actually shut it all down after a few drinks, which gave me the courage to just cut it off. Those who I interact with all the time on social media, who live further than a town away, reached out to me almost immediately -  "Kat, I can't tag you in this" "I went to your profile to find your blog and I couldn't find you" "Is everything okay? You disappeared." 

Self care is something that everyone needs to take a chance on. It is SO scary to be alone with your thoughts, to find a way to weed out the noise and find your truth. It's hard - this has been a crazy ride the last few months, and I am nowhere near done. Taking time away from things that trigger some dark spots in my life has been incredibly helpful. Social media has become an addiction that we're all hooked on. I am hoping that now, where it's all back to active, that I don't feel the pull to aimlessly scroll. 

It's going to be difficult, I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. What I DO, is stay true to who I am. It's been an issue among "friends" that I don't reach out anymore, or tag along to things I want no part of. Newsflash all - those people in your life? Not friends. I exhausted myself trying to keep everyone happy around me, and was always the one to reach out. Occasionally they would reach out, but it wouldn't be for anything positive. That's not what life is about. Yes, there will be bad days - but how you cope with those bad days is what makes you a stronger person. I had SO many instances over the last few weeks where I wanted to post something, because that's what I would normally do - whine on my Twitter about how miserable that moment was. It's really not worth putting the negative energy on the internet. I started journaling about my day, and felt a sense of relief, rather than looking for attention on the internet. 

This hiatus helped me find out the truth about the people I connect with on social media. What? Yes. I had suspicions about some people muting me or unfollowing my updates - and those were the people I was expecting to flip out first, accusing me of blocking them. No such thing happened. Not even a peep. Those people have since been removed from my social media platforms - I wish them the best, but they were not adding any value to my life. Who is going to have your best interests at heart? YOU ARE! Cut ties with people if you have to - it may hurt at first, but it will feel better after. Don't allow yourself to be a topic of gossip or smack talk because you feel bad for removing someone from your life. Chances are, they handed you the scissors with their actions, but you were too blind to see it. In my case, I was SUPER blind, because I wanted to see the good in everyone. Newsflash: people suck. I will only be using social media as a platform to connect with people who add value and happiness to my life. 

Not living on social media for almost 2 weeks has been eye opening (as I mentioned previously) as well as therapeutic. Sure, I missed some life events for friends and family, but I eventually found out. I don't need the instant gratification anymore. I don't need someone to validate my online presence by liking or commenting on everything. I am who I am. If that's a problem with people, they are being removed from my life. I promised myself during this hiatus that the rest of 2018 would be a time of growth, happiness, positivity, and understanding. I have some work to do but not having the distraction of social media has been excellent - really allowed me to get in touch with what I wanted out of life, and forced me to compare my life to no one else but how life was yesterday. 

Cold turkey is a hard hit, no question. I had a very hard time without social media, I won't lie. But not having the burden has also been a blessing. I had conversations that spanned longer than a text or two, actually spent time talking to friends on the phone, and truly enjoyed what I was observing around me. We are so focused on our screens - when do we have time to focus on ourselves? Take the time, cut the ties for a while, see how life pans out. Yes, it's easier to just log out of your account and log back in when you're ready. But being completely absent from the internet brings a new level of severed ties to your world, and it is AWESOME!