Life Update

Hello there! 

I apologize for my lack of attention to this blog lately. I decided to make September a month of growth and change, and it has been a rather bumpy ride. Anything worth doing/having wouldn't be easy, right? 

For the last 8 months, I have been trying to get into a healthier mindset and head space that allow for complete and honest transformation. I had such a terrible 2017, that I wanted to make 2018 a million times better. I was in a dark place (as mentioned in a few posts) for so long, that seeing life in the light has been a bit terrifying. The dark place was where I felt most comfortable. I could be miserable and no one would judge me - just who I was. I decided to shake off the dark place and find a spot in the warm light. I was afraid to commit to any sort of growth because it meant leaving my comfort zone.  

I was sick and tired of being blamed for other peoples misery, negativity, and overall bad energy. Sure, I had my own issues to deal with, but we are in charge of how WE present ourselves. So if you were effected (affected?) by my previous energy, I am sorry that I projected it onto you, but not sorry that you couldn't find a way to work through how you presented yourself. We are human beings, with brains and feelings. We decide how we are going to react to a situation and how we are going to grow from it. It's very easy to stay where we're at currently, because it requires little to no effort. Just go through the motions. Same shit, different day right? 

Living a life of complacency wasn't something I ever wanted for myself. But because I was so afraid to jump, I stayed there FAR longer than I should have. You can read all the self help/personal development books you want, listen to all the podcasts, follow all the people in the world that inspire you on social media - but until YOU (yes you) put anything into action, you're bound to stay where you're at. 

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As previously mentioned in a few posts, I suffer from anxiety and depression. As someone who's tried the meds, I can tell you that I am not a fan. I felt like a zombie trying to get through the day, and never really felt like myself. I knew something had to change, and I was all of a sudden determined to find what I could do to fix myself. What did I have control over in my world that could start to shift?  

First Step: find a new job. 
This was a rough process. I had been with a company for 5 years, busted my butt, and still felt like I was stuck on a loop. No growth, no support. I acquired my master's degree in higher education with a concentration in college administration and leadership while working full time at this company, that had to amount to something right? Not for me. Rather than feeling like I had support, I felt shunned because I had dreams. Sorry, what? No thanks. I knew I had to find a better fit for me both emotionally and physically. The toll it took on my body was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I was constantly pinned against others in the office - and for what? I felt so unappreciated. 

When the opportunity came in March to leave and start in an entirely new field that I had no experience in, with even better benefits, more money, and a better work/life balance - I jumped at it. I was ready for a new exciting challenge that would add to my life, not take years off of it. I know I've discussed it before - I was scared out of my mind, but I took the leap of faith and knew I would eventually land on my feet. Man has it paid off so far! I was awarded a blue ribbon award for the work I did in July and August, and it feels AMAZING to be appreciated by not only your colleagues and your boss, but also your boss's boss who isn't located on site. 

Second Step: find a new home.
We spend most of our time at work, of course. But if home life isn't settled or at least in the process of becoming so, you're looking at a LOT of stress and bad energy. In the last 5 years, I have lived in 5 apartments. My first apartment I didn't even last a year. I found the place on craigslist, and for $300/month who WOULDN'T jump at the opportunity? I moved in with 3 complete strangers. 4 women, 1 bathroom. Horrific! One of the roommates was disrespectful, and the other two smoked so much marijuana I think I got a contact high more times than I ever wanted (I do not touch the stuff, and find it absolutely disgusting. Just my opinion. I wouldn't judge you if you did it - I just would not join you to partake). 

The longest I lived in an apartment was 2 years, I believe. Since this time last year, I have lived in three apartments. Two apartments ago, I was accused of being miserable all the time, but it was never discussed why. I was always the bad guy. I have severed ties with everyone from my previous living situations except for 3 people. I needed the break, and honestly felt as though the people I lived with (aside from the 3 I mentioned above) added zero to my life. So why stay connected? 

When my current roommate (new roommate, old friend!) found the place we are currently living in, it just felt like home. It felt like a place I could be comfortable in - wholeheartedly. We have known each other for the better part of 13 years now, and while we did go to the same school for college, we found different paths (not bad at ALL) that helped us grow into the people we are today. Living with her has been a blessing (yes it's only been a month, but it's been pretty much roommate drama free and smooth sailing at home!). Not having this overwhelming feeling of hate in regards to going home has been a foreign, yet welcomed feeling. 

Third Step: cut the crap.
 As we grow up, we find our path in life. Some find it early on, others stay on a path for a while until they find the right side street to adventure down. We find a group of people that we want to attempt this crazy ride with, and hope that we can be as equally supportive of them as they are of us - in every venture they take part in. Sometimes, you outgrow a group or two. IT'S OKAY. Cutting people and things out of your life for the right reasons is what helps you grow as a person. 

It sucks at first, of course. You are a human with a conscience (I hope?) that knows the difference between right and wrong (again, hoping here). Stop sitting on social media trying to find things out. Stop stalking people just so you have information to gossip about. Stop living on social media to feel connected to the people you remove from your life. It's okay to let people go. 

*****

Over the last month, I have had a few arguments with people in my world that brought my focus to things I need to work on going forward in my life. One of my very close friends and I got into an argument at the beginning of the month (sparing you the details) and it made me realize that my attention in life needs to be on things other than overthinking how people communicate with me and how I react to their comments. This person has been a jokester the entirety of our friendship, and it's nothing new. 

But for me, my anxiety has kicked into overdrive lately and it's making me say and do things that I thought I put behind me. Suffering as much loss as I did over the last 18 months has made me very anxious about people just walking out of my life. So I read into things and over think and as a result, I freak out on people and they end up backing away. The exact opposite of what I want in life. Yes, I bring it on myself. Yes, I need to get a serious hold on my anxiety and let things be as they are. This is all about the journey right?

The other argument that happened, occurred just last week. I did my best to stay as calm as possible - because with an Irish Italian temper, things can get intense pretty quick on my end - and look at the facts of the situation. No, there had not been any true form of communication for some time. Yes, I said some things about people I am close with now, when I was not close with them because there were too many strong personalities in the same room. This argument ultimately ended with this friend removing them self from my life, which I respect. I would be lying if I said the initial surprise of the actions didn't sting - but as adults, we need to pick ourselves up and move on. We need to grab hold of what brings us down and use it to propel ourselves forward. If you are reading this, former friend, I am sorry for the pain that was caused and the miscommunication that occurred. I wish you the absolute best and hope that you go on to do amazing things in this world. You have compassion for those in need, and I hope that someday you can find a way to see past transgressions and communicate. There are no hard feelings at all - we live and we learn. 

*****

Depression is also a topic that has been touched upon lightly on this blog. To spare the details in this already long post, I will give you the cliff notes version. I tried antidepressants for my depression a few years back, and felt like the world's biggest zombie. I wasn't myself. I didn't react to things. I was just coasting through the days, hoping I would get to go back to bed soon. That was not living life. I took myself off them, and as a result went through a pretty rough few months between feeling sick and having these outrageous outbursts on people that didn't deserve them. Over the past few years, when I felt so stuck I couldn't breathe, I often resorted to binge eating and sleeping more than staying awake. I would nap on weekends because I was home without plans. I would overeat a lot of bad food for a temporary fix - food was my drug. As a result of this bad habit, I packed on all of the weight I worked so hard to lose 4 years ago, and started slipping into a deep hole. 

I started to tell myself I wasn't good enough. That no one wanted me because I was fat. No one cared that I existed - they all made plans without including me so I wasn't important to them. I slipped into this idea that everyone was against me, no one cared about how I felt, and everyone hated me. I would rather spend hours in bed sleeping than spending time outside in the sun, or finding new hobbies. I napped more and more, and eventually ended up sleeping my weekends away. I was always so tired, nothing helped. I was packing on weight from the stress of all my burdens - but didn't know how to handle it. To my friends I tried to be as positive and upbeat as I could be - but I wasn't fooling them. Not the ones that had known me forever anyway. When my professional scenery changed, I felt a shift in my outlook on life. I felt like I had been plucked from the dark place and was moving into a much healthier place. Then this amazing apartment happened - and I thought I was for sure cured! 

This past weekend was a very hard one. I don't know why, but it was. Saturday was better than Sunday, because I was out and about - exploring and eating food. I was with great friends, but inside I felt empty. Sunday came around and I didn't get out of bed until 11:30am. In the last 8 months, I think the only time I slept that late was when I had an upper respiratory infection and it was required in order to get better. Sure, I got up and tidied up the apartment, got some cooking in, watched some great TV (not discussing the Patriots game.. ever.)... but I still felt very empty. 

I was letting the depression win. I was slipping back into that space that I hate. How could I be slipping back when I had been trying to more forward for so long?! What is so wrong in my life that I have to hide from the world? Nothing. There's nothing in my world that I cannot face, head on, and win against. There is nothing in my world that has the power to force me to stay in bed all day anymore. 

For anyone who needs to hear it - I promise you that it gets better. You are more than the depression. You are more than the anxiety. You are a valuable person and YOU. MATTER. We all suffer in silence with something - and while it's easier to hold it in, we need to address it with confidence and strength. 

When I return from vacation next week, I will start my journey to finding a great therapist. I know it's not going to be an easy road, but I also know that this little hiccup this past weekend is going to be a blip on the map in the grand scheme of my life. I know that succumbing to the depression and anxiety is not who I am. I also know that we all experience these two things in different ways, so please do not try and twist it - however you handle these two monsters, is your own personal journey. This blog was created as a dumping ground for Anything about Everything. And that is exactly how it's going to stay. 

Lately I have been feeling this heavy on my heart, and it needed to be shared. No, this was not a post to rouse pity or self loathing. I promised when I started this blog to be as honest and transparent as I could be. This is it. This is me. I started this blog to help anyone who felt alone but didn't have the strength to speak up and say something was wrong; for the person who lost a family member and wasn't sure how to cope, you are not alone; for the person who has a rough day and doesn't believe in their talents and who they are, this is for you. 

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I know this is on the longer side, and if you made it this far - congratulations! Gold star! I am going to try my level best to get back on a regular routine with posting on here, as this is one of my favorite things to do (write). If at the end of the day, any of the 63 posts on here helps someone, we did a good deed. We are all on this earth for a reason. We meet people in our lives for a reason. We learn the lessons we do at the time in our lives that we do FOR A REASON. Take whatever life throws at you, and make it positive. It's harder some days than others, but at the end of the week when you look back - it's well worth the effort. 

I hope you take some time this weekend and truly reflect on how the week went. How can next week be better? What is one thing you can change in your world to improve going forward? How are you going to spend the next 7 days? The next 30 days? The next 90 days? 

Write it down. Make it real. Commit to the change. Embrace this ride.  I believe in you!