You Have Ghost To Be Kidding Me
As a very single female in the 21st century, I have subjected myself to online dating. The constant game of "will they respond" or "will they swipe right" or "will I see them again after this date" or "why did this match" - and it SUCKS.
Online dating has become a tangled web of disgusting creeps trolling women on the internet to get into their pants - and then move on to the next person. At least that's been my experience. I have a set of morals that will not be shaken - as this is how I have chosen to live my life. When I say "no" - I am usually left for someone who will say yes. And that's fine - that's just how the cookie crumbles.
But I am SO sick of it.
What happened to people respecting others, and wanting to get to know them first?! I know, life is not like a romantic comedy. You don't just meet someone, fall in love, go through some crap, and come out on the other side in 90 minutes in a relationship and happy. I get that, believe me.
What I do not understand is the idea that ghosting someone is acceptable. If you don't want to talk to someone, just be up front and honest. Which are clearly two things most men in this world cannot be. Rather than causing the other party to sit for DAYS and wonder why you disappeared, what they did wrong, what they need to do to win you back, how they can do it, when you'll be back, if you'll be back...
JUST BE HONEST. (did you hear me, boys in the back that can't tell their ass from their elbow?!)
If you are looking for something specific, then be honest at the beginning. I would rather someone tell me up front that they aren't in the same place as I am, than be strung along for OVER A YEAR only to be ghosted and never spoken to again.
This, boys, is what we normal people call immaturity and cowardice. If you can't be a man and stand up for your feelings and let us know whats up - that's 100% on you. If you can't be vocal about what you want - that's also 100% on you.
I have been turned off, yet again, by online dating. Unfortunately, I do not have a network of single friends, so I don't go out very often to try and meet someone. So I resorted to the free online dating apps (Yep, you guessed it.. Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Tinder.. I'm not proud of it. But I was hoping for a miracle). I have a few friends who have met their spouse on these apps, so I figured why the heck not me?!
Well, after some time, I think I figured out why I am still the only one sitting at the singles table in my group of friends.
1. I am SUPER picky. I don't want to settle for someone just so I can say I am with someone. I have never been one to settle on ANYTHING (I am rather stubborn, I know), so why would I lower my standards just to say I'm in a relationship?
2. I am fiercely independent. Something my parents have always told me - and rings true - is that I am definitely an independent person. I take care of myself - and do whatever I need to in order to ensure I am 100% okay - FOR MYSELF. I have been riding the single train for 6 years now - why give up a seat just to say I'm with someone?
3. Men are pigs. At least the "men" I've communicated with thanks to online dating. There is far more to any sort of relationship than physical nonsense. Whatever happened to getting to know someone for who they are, not what they look like or how quick you can get them in the sack? Word to the wise, boys - GROW UP.
4. I have seen too many people in my life jump from relationship to relationship. It's not healthy, but it's also not my life. I knew someone who LITERALLY could not be single. There was always someone waiting in the wings, or a list of people they would go through when they needed to "get some" - and it was disgusting. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is everything wrong with not being able to stand on your own two feet without being defined by a relationship.
I matched, last year, with a guy I had a crush on when I was a kid. I nearly passed out - OMG IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE. Except it wasn't. He was sweet at first, we communicated every day all day long... then he up and disappeared. Without a single word. A few months later, he tried to get back in my good graces, apologizing for being a d-bag, and worked his way back into my heart. And as soon as that happened? GONE AGAIN. After reflecting on it, he's clearly got commitment issues & lacks good communication skills. Don't spend a crap ton of time with me only to ghost me when it works for you - because someone else came into the picture. You're scum, sir. SCUM.
I am lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people in my life, and their significant others have welcomed me with open arms. My friends with husbands have set the bar pretty high for the next poor soul I date - as has my Dad. They always say that a father is a girl's first love - and LET ME TELL YOU.. mine is pretty freaking great. He drilled into me when I was younger that I do not need a man to live my life, but to enjoy life with. Someone who respects me for who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in. And to NOT settle - but to keep looking until I find him.
I am pretty sure my forever person got lost on his way to me - but I'll hold out hope that he's back on track. I had a life plan, I wanted to be married with a kid or two by now. But that is NOT how life worked out.. so I have to roll with the punches. I joke all the time about being single, and how it sucks - because it's how I deal with things. Humor is a defense mechanism for me - but that does not mean that I think less of myself because I'm driving the single train. I have too much respect for myself to jump into something I am not comfortable with, something that doesn't give me a feeling of safety.
For any boy that reads this post, grow a set and be honest. If you don't want to see or talk to a girl anymore, for the LOVE OF GOD just say something. It will hurt less for her, and you'll have a clear conscience eventually. If you can't be honest and up front, you don't deserve her or anyone for that matter, until you can be honest with yourself.
Ladies - if you have been ghosted, know that it's not your fault. Know that you are going to find that special someone when the timing is right. For now, enjoy all the time you get to spend making memories with your family and friends. The right guy WILL come along. I am a firm believer in this sentiment, as cliche as it sounds. If your friends are jumping into relationship after relationship, just love them through it. They may have something they are working through but don't want to talk about - but as their friend, be there for them. It's hard to watch everyone around you be in love, but that just means that yours is coming. I promise.
With all the curve balls I have endured in my life over the last 18 months, I have learned that loving myself comes first. Am I happy where I am? In some aspects of life, yes! But I am also always going to be a work in progress. I have been so unsettled for the last 10 months, and in 4 days that will all fade away. I am so excited for the next season of life!
Before I can love anyone else, I need to be sure I love ME. Make sure you love you before you love someone else. And remember - you will end up wherever you are supposed to, whenever you're supposed to, with whomever you're supposed to when the time is right.
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