I Got 99 Problems..

Day 27 of 30

Happy third to last day of the challenge! 

Apologies for not posting one yesterday - it was a VERY long and busy day spent with my second family, so I decided to take a break for the day. So yes, day 26 is missing. It's okay! 

Today's topic: A problem you have or have had in the past

This one is a loaded topic - who DOESN'T have problems?! If you don't, then kudos to you. If you do and can relate to this one, also kudos. You're not alone! If you can't relate to it but struggle with problems of your own, know you are also not alone and that there are people in your life that are ready to help you through them! 

Overthinking.

Is this a broad issue with a crap ton of underlying little nuggets? Absolutely. I'm only going to discuss the surface, and perhaps discuss the rest at a later date. 

I started to overthink about 6 and a half years ago. I was in (what I thought) a great relationship, with an incredible human being (he is, the situation was not). I was SO happy and SO in love, nothing else mattered right?

Wrong. 

Something inside me started to eat away at me, told me I wasn't good enough to be with him. That he deserved better. I started to think that I needed to read into every situation to see what the "real" meaning was, and in the end it didn't help. I was being told that there were whisperings from others in the circle that I wasn't "good enough or pretty enough" for him, so I started to panic. He chose ME! Why did this person think this about me? What had I done to them to start this crap talking? 

Nothing. I had done nothing. 

I was a very strong, confident individual - then I started to hear these things and my world started to close in on me. I needed to make sure that I was being the best I could be, and reading through everything that was said so I had a better understanding... right? 

No.

I had lost myself because of ONE person's opinion of me. Sure, this person's opinion mattered to me, because I wanted them to accept me. But I never realized how badly it had screwed me up until I jumped back into the dating pool about 5 years ago. 

I was reading into EVERY. SINGLE. MESSAGE. I received from these guys. I would overthink their body language, their comments, their behavior. I didn't want to lose someone great because of my insecurity - but it kept happening, over and over. If I didn't hear from them, I figured welp it's over. I blew it. 

I started to sit on social media and pick apart people's posts. "Is that about me? What have I said or done in the last 24-48 hours to this person that makes them hate me so much?" - NOTHING. And if I had done something and it wasn't addressed, then that's on them not me. I started to cook up scenarios in my head about situations that hadn't even happened yet, because I wanted to be prepared.

6 and a half years ago the anxiety started. I've trained myself very well to hide it as much as possible, and most people don't even know I have it. The overthinking aspect has become more and more pronounced in the last few years - because of social media and bad circle of friend choices mostly. I have done my level best to attack it head on by just disconnecting for a while - and it's been incredible! 

I still struggle with it - ALL the time. I am doing my best to shut out the overthinking and embrace life the way it's meant to be lived - to the fullest. Some days are certainly easier than others, but the fact that I recognized a few years ago exactly what caused it has been a godsend. I no longer live under the opinion of someone else. Don't like me or something in my life? You don't need to be a part of my world, AND IT'S OKAY!! 

We are not on this earth to please everyone, nor are we supposed to. You need to hold on to who YOU are (flaws and all), and live a life that is best for you.