Time Doesn't Slow Down for Anyone

Time always has a way of getting away from us. We often say “I wish I had more time to…” or “I can’t believe it’s been x amount of time since…” – it gets away from us because we are so focused on looking ahead to the next big event, that we tend to lose the moment we are in. It’s how society runs now, so how do we stop time?

We don’t. We keep moving forward because unlike shows like Doctor Who or Timeless, we can’t time travel. We as a collective group are so focused on having information immediately that we can’t disconnect from the screens in front of us – which forces time to fly faster. We spend so much time focusing on social media and comparing our lives to others (celebrities, acquaintances, friends, family) that we miss out on the little moments.

For anyone who knows me and my family, you know that last year at this time was the start of a spiral into a weird rabbit hole. We lost my maternal grandfather on March 31^st, 2017. I happened to look at the calendar last week and was floored at how quickly the year had passed. So much happened, so much changed – and it doesn’t feel like it’s been 365 days since my desk phone rang at 715am to tell me the news.

We knew it was coming, we had been warned earlier in the month that Granddaddy had taken a fall, that he wasn’t himself. We were on an emotional rollercoaster for about a week and a half. Every time my phone rang, I would get anxious – heart palpitations, sweaty palms, and a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. When my dad called to deliver the news, I was assuming he was just calling to chat. When he delivered the news, I was in shock. I had no idea how to react, and I had to keep myself rather composed (being at work and all). For those keeping score, a noise unlike any other managed to squeak out before I could get my butt out of the office.  

The following 8 hours of work were a blur – I was told that I could go home, but I refused to go home to sit and cry, so I stayed at work. All I could think about was my mom – and what I could do to help her stay strong in this terrible moment. (For those who don’t know – my parents moved to North Carolina in May of 2015, so being 800 miles away when the news broke was probably the hardest moment of my life thus far.) I went about my schedule as normal – March 31, 2017 was a Friday, so I marched myself to the CrossFit gym I am a member of, and worked out. There was nothing I could do until my parents arrived over the weekend for the services. Which, by the way is the most heart wrenching feeling. Our parents are always there for us, and in this moment there was nothing I could do to ease my mother’s pain.

Reflecting on this, a year later, my heart is still heavy. We often think we have plenty of time with people, that we are invincible and will live forever. For as long as I can remember, my grandfather never had so much as the common cold – and if he did, he never let on. Then he was sucker punched with adrenal and prostate cancer – only to find out shortly after, that he also had an aggressive form of dementia. He would be up and down health wise for 5 years before he fell last year.

I didn’t write this post to gain any sort of sympathy. This is a simple reflection of the last 365 days since Granddaddy left us, and where life has taken us. I moved, accepted a new job. We lost my Nana and youngest uncle Robert shortly after Granddaddy passed last year (literally the worst 6 months ever, all from the same side of the family. More on that in another post). The holidays came and went in the blink of an eye. Seasons changed.  

LIFE. WENT. ON.

It’s been a year of change, a season of growth. As a family, I think we are closer because we are all still in a state of mourning. My dad said it best – we never really “get over” deaths. The loss we feel simply becomes a part of who we are as people. (my dad, so wise!) 365 days have passed since Granddaddy was physically here with us, and the world has continued to spin – even though in the moments we all spent together crying, we thought the world had stopped.

Integrating back into reality after a loss like that is hard. There are still days where I find myself sad – and unable to voice exactly why. Three losses back to back last year certainly took a toll on my mental health – and I think blogging about it from time to time, as well as the fun stuff I promised, will be helpful for not only me but anyone else that feels lost. I am not saying I am the next Gandhi, or that I have all the answers. But if one of these posts touches someone going through a similar experience, then my work for the day is done.

If you are wondering if it ever gets easier – the answer is yes, but with an asterisk. Yes it gets easier to get up (eventually). Yes it gets easier to talk about them (eventually). Yes, it eventually becomes a part of who you are – and is another stepping stone in this journey called life. You never forget – you always carry them and their memories in your heart. 

Grief is not an overnight thing. It takes time, it doesn't just "go away." Cry if you want to, scream – yell – call a friend or family member. DO NOT keep your grief to yourself. Grief takes a lot out of you, so you need to take the time to rebuild yourself with this new sadness, and allow it to become something beautiful.

We are all on this journey called life. We are all in this together (cue High School Musical). We are human beings that sometimes just need to be understood. You are never alone, someone will always be there to pick you up when you think you’ve fallen far off the beaten path.

I challenge you to take some time and truly disconnect from the screens that run your life – and be PRESENT in the moment. 

• No pictures. 
• No Snapchat. 
• No Facebook. 
• No Instagram. 

Truly be present, in the moment. And commit it to memory. Time is going to pass no matter what you do, so make the best of it. And believe that something amazing is always around the corner.