When Joy & Grief Share the Same Space

 I didn’t expect wedding planning to be the thing that reminded me how much I missed my grandparents. When I was a little girl, and dreaming about what my wedding would look like - both sets of them were sitting in the front sections on the left side of the church, dressed to the nines, proud to watch their granddaughter marry her person. I always pictured dancing with both of my grandfathers to a song we chose together - but that dance never came.

Growing up, my grandparents were always around. I can remember holidays with all 4 of them, visiting their respective homes, and always feeling loved. We were spoiled rotten - as grandchildren should be. 

When Mike and I got engaged and the wedding planning was in full swing - it hit me immediately that none of my grandparents would be in attendance for the biggest, most exciting day of my life. I had to make peace with none of them being there - for any step of the process. They never got to meet Mike. 

Wedding dress shopping looked much different than I ever imagined. I always thought both my grandmothers would come with me, my mom, and my bridesmaids. Growing up, Nana always made sure I had the twirliest, prettiest dresses. When I was trying dresses on, I would see what would give me the best twirl - but the dress I landed on didn’t twirl.. it floated on air. I hoped it would be one Nana would love and that Grammy would find fitting 

While dress shopping, I also needed to find the right shade of pink for my girls’ dresses. We found a brand that we liked, and when I looked at the color tag - it was Primrose. Grammy & Grampy lived on Primrose Hill Road when I was growing up - before they moved to Florida. It felt like such a Godwink - it was meant to be! 

On my wedding day, some of my earrings were a pair of diamond studs made from my Nana’s rings. I made sure to pack them - and left them at the hotel. I panicked when I was getting ready and realized I didn’t have them. The hotel wasn’t too far from where we were getting ready - so Mom called Dad and asked him to go get them. I couldn’t get married without Nana in my ears! 

As joyful as planning our wedding was, there was a quiet undertone of missing them that never really left me. Every decision, every milestone moment, came with the awareness that a part of e - and a part of the day - was absent. I missed I hem in ways that don’t always have words: wishing they could see who I was marrying, wondering what advice they would give us, imagining their smiles in the room. We had a memorial table created at the reception with photos of Grammy & Grampy on their wedding day and my favorite photo of Nana & Granddad after they got engaged - a small way to honor them and keep them close. It was comforting and heartbreaking all at once … a reminder that love doesn’t disappear when people are gone - it just shows up differently.

There’s a great quote from the MCU (you KNOW how much I love my Avengers) from Vision.

A concept I will continue to carry.. because truly - grief is not linear. Healing isn’t either. And carrying them in my heart in everything I do is the best way I can think to honor them and their memories. 

What I learned about myself through all of this - I’m capable of holding joy without guilt and grief without letting it steal the moment. Both can exist at the same time, and neither diminishes the other. Love is big enough for that. 

  

One of the best gifts my parents have given me - a photo of all of us together… with photos from my parents’ wedding cropped in. Grateful for this - it’s almost like they were there, dressed up and watching. They were - just from heaven, all together.